vineri, 14 martie 2014

Some dirty jokes

So I woke up exiting my mom's vagina one day. Must have been an ugly sight, as I forgot all about it.

As a child I did whatever I wanted, I could have had anything that did not include the interference of money. I'm so happy I grew up, still poor as shit, but can you imagine me at 31 being poor and short and having a huge cock? Neither can I...

So as a kid I did whatever kids do... or did.. play with your own mucus, jump in the biggest mud puddle, cried till I popped 2 hernias, fought with the douchebag kids I was friends with, touched every boob that was in my hand range... about that, if a lady stranger comes out and takes you in her arms and you are 5 and you touch both her breasts, how come that is ok compared to being 31 and just shoving both hands in the lady stranger's cleavage? Come on, I have bigger hands now, I can squeeze them better now than at the time I was 5, should feel better for you too! Don't slap me! Well, not unless we're both naked...

First time I had an orgasm I was about 11 years old... I was climbing on a pole, went straight to the top, let myself slide down, stopped, slided more, stopped and pushed up a bit, slided again aaaand a bit up again.. Lovely minute, I might add... Did you enjoy the story of me humping the basketball pole?

I used to masturbate. I still do, but I used to too. When I was a teenager I did it in the bathroom. One example, I was home with my grandma... and she asked what am I doing in the bathroom for 1 hour? I told her that I'm masturbating... she said "well, stop, and get to bed"... I was a good kid, so I listened and went to bed.

Since then, she never ever asked me to leave the bathroom faster than I wanted.

Also after that incident she had to raise money to buy new bed sheets.

I did an experiment once. In the course of 24 hours I masturbated 7 times. My record. I actually wanted to see how many of the girls from the volley team I would satisfy in case they raped me in turns on a tight hallway. I can see you google-ing "how many members there are in a volley team", I'll spare you the trouble, 6. The extra orgasm is for backup, in case I needed one from myself in the hospital while recovering that night from the scratches and bruises of rape.

I am the inventor of the FK9 abbreviation. A woman was being a total bitch calling me bad words and having a rude attitude and she was standing really close to me. So I called her a FK9. She left not knowing what I said to her. And I finished masturbating, lifted my trousers up and left her office.

Are you one of them people that sit on their hand? No? well.. let me explain.. you sit on your hand for about 15 minutes and then you masturbate using that numb hand... it's like someone actually jerks you off... I'm thinking this is how the whole "I can last for years without men" concept was conceived.

Ever met a crazy, irritated, illogic woman? She doesn't masturbate and doesn't have a boyfriend. That's what I thought. But apparently, women can be like that even if they are in the top 3 'whores with most clients today' board. Even if it's indecent, a women fucked hundreds of guys in one day. She was noted in the world book of records for this. Do you know the real reason why she was written in that book? Not because she did so many guys happy in one day, but because she was still angry and that was the only way to calm her down!

I wouldn't have sex with a blind woman even if she was the hottest woman in the Universe. I'm thinking my beautiful body must be seen!

Even after all these years and so many experiences, I still have some fantasies that I wanna fulfill. Don't you feel the same? I'll share some with you... playing catch while naked with a busty waist down paralyzed female... blowjob from a woman who lost her voice and taste buds...  while naked and hard, looking down at a female midget, jumping with her hands up, trying to grab my cock and I would be laughing leaning backwards as she jumps, so she wouldn't grab it- I call this "teasing level midget" ... speaking German while fucking a Jew lady, paying 10€ to her husband when he comes home early and catches us in action doing the Dutch oven fetish act.... by the look on your faces, I think I will stop mentioning other fantasies I had in mind telling you about...

I believe that prostitutes would make more money if they had a POS to charge client's credit cards. Also if they video taped every session and blackmailed everyone. Also if they are good looking. And female.

A prostitute once told me "I will be ultimate GirlFriend Experience you'll ever have"... I replied "so you're gonna slur me once I enter the room and have conditions for fucking me and end up seeing who gets the microwave and the future kids? Go away, FK9!"

Have you ever seen those triangles with intelligent, good looking and sane and you have to pick just 2 of the 3 options? I have one for your gf ... select 2 from : having a boyfriend(1), man is cheating(2) and threesomes(3).
Math tells us:
1+2 = gf is unhappy and unsure of the relationship
1+3 = gf is unhappy but sure of the relationship
2+3 = not a gf anymore and really unhappy cos the man in the threesome is cheating on both of the girls of the triplet.
What would you choose?

Having money just for the next few days feels like being a pimp with only one whore... you are sure you survive for one more day... also valid if you have no money at all, one pack of cereals and you're lucky to still be able to breastfeed.

Smoking weed and having sex results in the best orgasm. The bad thing about this is when you stop in the middle of having sex to make yourself a sandwich.

Have I mentioned that I am a magician? Gonna do a magic trick right now. Are you ready for it? I'm gonna make myself disappear ! Gonna say the magic word now .. here goes :  FK9!!!

© Micutz @ 2007-2010